Tuesday, March 30, 2004

::sigh:: and another day passes

So, I didn't sleep at all last night. Tossed and turned... dozed in and out, but nothing substancial. Why aren't I tired? I feel like a zombie and i'm not liking feeling this way.
But there is an explanation this time. I talked to...him... last night. I might as well give him initials I talk about him so much, so, TS is what I will call him.
I'm not really any less confused.... just a little more hurt.... a little more worried...
Turns out, he thinks i'm completely insane for how i acted while he was with me in CA. But he doesn't seem to understand that it was all in the circumstances, the situation... the surroundings. It's VERY hard to be yourself when you're living with your 'bf' who beats you, who's threatening you bc TS is there... you HATE CA, and all you want to do is go home. It's VERY hard to be yourself, it's even harder not to be emotional and irrational.
I wasn't myself... I was so stressed out I lost 10 pounds. Now if that isn't out of the ordinary I don't know what is.
And what hurts the most, is he doesn't trust me when I say that how I acted there, isn't how I act normally, and if he loved me he would see past it.
I am a completely seperate person away from my ex. He controlled me for two years and i'm finally free and I have nothing to show for it.
I can FINALLY be myself and now the people that knew me, don't even believe that myself is worth knowing.
So, he needs time to 'think'. How can I trust that he will think about it if he doesn't even trust me that i'm not crazy??
But, i'm going to be the friend that I always have been to him, and give him that time no matter how hard it is for me to stay away.
What else can i do? I can't push myself on him, I wouldn't want him to do that to me. I guess I just don't fully understand this. I don't, I can't, I refuse to understand it.
I just want him to reach into his heart and remember how happy we were, and start from there.
that's all I suppose.

Monday, March 29, 2004

::sigh:: and another day passes
well, i'm home........ finally.
I must say the flights were AWFUL, and with a hangover? definitely NOT a fun experience.
But it's good to be home and to see friendly faces.
Now I just have to wait for my car and my furniture... have to find a job and somewhere to live.
Other than that- not so bad I suppose.
But I can't seem to get my mind off of him and that's all I want to do because it's clearly obvious that he doesn't care like he said he did. Hard to find genuine people these days, but it kills me... breaks my already tired heart.
What can I do? I can't change how I feel nor can I change how he feels so the only thing I can do is move on.... but I can't move on without closure. I swear his purpose in life is to hurt me.
when will I find someone to love who will love me back just the same?
I just need to start over, a clean slate.... a new life... a new beginning...
But first... I need to see him and to find out for good whether this is over or just beginning.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

::sigh:: and another day passes
So, last night was my LAST night in California... and what did I do? What do you think? Got obliderated (sorry for the spelling) out of my mind until I needed assistance with walking. It was nice to not have to think about things for once. Felt good just to let go for once, because I haven't been able to in the LONGEST time. It felt GREAT not to think about.... him.... and the trip that lays before me.
But now my head is clear, other than a little hangover.... and i'm packing up the last of my things.

I have to be at the airport at 4, my flight leaves at 6.... I have two 3 hour layovers, and then i arrive 'home' at 9:35am sunday. One word to describe my trip? HELL!
The last thing I want is time to think, and that's all i'm going to be doing. Doesn't sound like very much fun to me.
I just want to be home now. right now, I don't want to wait.... I want to see my family and my friends... people who actually CARE and don't just pretend.
My heart hurts and i'm really damn tired of it. Ugh, and the thoughts of him flood back, when will it stop? If HE is reading this..... if you want me to let go, then you need to do it the right way and tell me to my face instead of avoiding me like I have some kind of contagious disease.
I won't let you walk away from me so easily, it isn't fair, and I deserve better than that.

Friday, March 26, 2004

::sigh:: and another day passes
Ok... so, I suppose I should start by saying hi, my name is Jenny.... and i'm newly single.
Single and very lonely. Not alone, but lonely.
And now I have to go home to nothing....
No job.... no home....
and maybe now no love.
And I don't understand.... because i've been 'with' someone for a very long time now... maybe not physically, but emotionally... and we've been SO far away from eachother... and now that i'm coming home... he's nowhere to be found.
So what am I going to think about on my 14 hour trip? who do you think?
he that consumes me, he that has my heart, and he that kills me.
Don't you think that if you were in love with someone who moved 2700 miles away from you, and then was coming home, that you'd be SO overly excited to be with them? that the fact that you were in school and they had to work a lot wouldn't matter? that you'd do ANYTHING to make time for them and to be near them?
well that's what I thought, and that's what I was willing to do, and AM willing to do.
Now it is up to him, and it breaks my heart that it's a decision, and that it isn't just coming naturally.
I should be excited to go home, and I am..... but my heart is being broken into a million pieces when i've just lost everything. This is not what I need. He should be my best friend, supporting me and making me feel better even if he DOESNT want to be with me.... but he isn't.
Am I that bad?
That awful?
It didn't seem that way when I looked into his eyes and saw how he was looking back at me...
What happened in the past week to make him doubt me?
I suppose only time will tell...
I just wish I could make him see what he has coming back to him.

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